a real lesson...
I wrote this somewhere in April 2010. We were on our way to Genting Highland when someone called my parents and told that my nanny was sick, really sick. She was at the time on her way to Seberang Jaya Hospital from her son’s place at Sabak Bernam. So we met in the middle of our journey, somewhere in Perak...
Iman/april 2010
After a few days admitted, she was getting better but not as healthy as she used to.. she didn’t remember a few things.. but she is getting better.
Somewhere in the middle of nowhere.I learnt something today as i met my beloved nanny
She’s ill and it seemed that she might not be for long anymore
Though i can’t say the same thing wouldn’t happen to myself
Or anyone for that matter...
When my mother was talking to her
Trying to lift up her weakening spirit and soul
I frozen but loyally stood beside them
Gazing at her onced beautiful yet motherly face
For a moment there
I didn’t feel anything, like a cold hearted person
I was smiling
Hoping that she saw my happy face
Happy to see her after a really long time
I was still smiling when my mother spoke
But it was impossible to keep on a happy face
When my mother’s voice broke into sadness
Without warning i burst into tears, silent tears...
Then my mother left me alone with my nanny
A sudden panic struck my body
What do i say? What do i do?
I tried to say some words
And i even came up a joke for her to crack a smile
But it stuck in my head
Stubborn to come out
Until the end
Nothing came out of my mouth, not even a voice
My mouth was moving, but no noise was heard
I was so disappointed, frustrated
I was so desperate for her to know that i’m here
Beside her, missing her, and loving her
I gave up
So i took her hand
Slowly caressing it, looking at it
It’s a strange feeling
I felt like i was seeing her hand for the first time
The hand that bathe me, fed me ‘ketam masak kicap’,
The hand that always hold me warmly
Remembering those little memories
I kissed the back of her palm...and her left cheek..
It took me so much strength to do such small gesture
I was ashamed of myself
To my surprise, she smiled
I cant imagine how hard it was for her to do that
But somehow
She thought i deserve the smile
She thought i deserve the effort
Sadly, i don’t deserve anything from her...
Finally,
She moved her lips, trying to get something out of her mouth
She was struggling, but she was stronger than i was
Because in the end i heard her say
‘kakak’...
She’s ill and it seemed that she might not be for long anymore
Though i can’t say the same thing wouldn’t happen to myself
Or anyone for that matter...
When my mother was talking to her
Trying to lift up her weakening spirit and soul
I frozen but loyally stood beside them
Gazing at her onced beautiful yet motherly face
For a moment there
I didn’t feel anything, like a cold hearted person
I was smiling
Hoping that she saw my happy face
Happy to see her after a really long time
I was still smiling when my mother spoke
But it was impossible to keep on a happy face
When my mother’s voice broke into sadness
Without warning i burst into tears, silent tears...
Then my mother left me alone with my nanny
A sudden panic struck my body
What do i say? What do i do?
I tried to say some words
And i even came up a joke for her to crack a smile
But it stuck in my head
Stubborn to come out
Until the end
Nothing came out of my mouth, not even a voice
My mouth was moving, but no noise was heard
I was so disappointed, frustrated
I was so desperate for her to know that i’m here
Beside her, missing her, and loving her
I gave up
So i took her hand
Slowly caressing it, looking at it
It’s a strange feeling
I felt like i was seeing her hand for the first time
The hand that bathe me, fed me ‘ketam masak kicap’,
The hand that always hold me warmly
Remembering those little memories
I kissed the back of her palm...and her left cheek..
It took me so much strength to do such small gesture
I was ashamed of myself
To my surprise, she smiled
I cant imagine how hard it was for her to do that
But somehow
She thought i deserve the smile
She thought i deserve the effort
Sadly, i don’t deserve anything from her...
Finally,
She moved her lips, trying to get something out of her mouth
She was struggling, but she was stronger than i was
Because in the end i heard her say
‘kakak’...
Iman/april 2010
After a few days admitted, she was getting better but not as healthy as she used to.. she didn’t remember a few things.. but she is getting better.
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