Susahla macam ni...

There were many times when I told my friends, especially the guys, that I haven't started on my assignment yet a day before the submission day.. they were surprised. They would say things like, 'Don't lie lah Iman..' or 'What happened to you? Who are you? What have you done with Iman?'.. 

I always end up having to convince them that I was telling them the truth.. and most of them don't believe me (well, except for my housemates, these people know who I really am..)..

People often see me as a hardworking honest innocent smart student.. But, in reality, I'm NOT any of those. Right now, I'm not trying to be humble or anything..this is just plain truth. I've always been lazy. My mum used to say, 'Ada satu penyakit yang tak dak ubat.. penyakit malas'.. Well, she got that right! Since I could remember, I never did my homework. Not in my primary years, not in my secondary years as well. When I got home, everything that has to do with school stays in the bag until the next morning.. Revisions? No way! I don't like to study or do my homework outside of my school hours.. 

The same thing is happening now. When I'm at the library, class or labs... I can do so much! At home, not so much.. my brain kinda work really slow when I'm at home.. of course this only applies for the academic-related stuff.. Food, movies, novels.. these are different stories..

Anyway, it puzzles me sometimes how people get that idea that I'm this hardworking all-about-study kinda girl. My friend said people stereotype. They see me getting high marks for my tests and exams and assignments..so they figure I study all the time..I do my work all the time..bla bla bla.. Well, ladies and gentlemen... you're wrong! I'm lazy. I think I'm the laziest in the house.. believe it or not..is up to you.

Then some people say, 'Bagusla orang tengok you rajin padahal you tak, its definitely better than orang tengok you malas padahal you rajin.. right?'. Well, I can't say its wrong. Can't disagree either. But if people perceived you as this brilliant girl (when you're actually not), they have this high expectations on you.. they put their hope on you.. and in the end, if you can't perform, you ended up not just disappointing yourself but others as well! Disappointment is the worst of all. I hate seeing people being disappointed. It's a terrible horrible feeling. (I once or twice bailed a class simply because I can't stand to look at my lecturer's dissapoint-face-expression when I had to tell him or her I haven't finish my assignment... )

So, with that being said, I would rather people see me as a lazy good-for-nothing kinda girl and people not putting any hopes and expectations on me.. but, that's not up to me to decide isn't it? 

My friends expects me to lead them, my lecturer expects me to lead my friends...haih..

People said they trust me. They said they know that I'll be all right. They said that its who I am.. 

I want to say, 'Okay! Let's do it!'. But I can't. Because I don't trust myself. I don't think that I can do the things that they expect me to do. I don't think I'll be all right. I'm scared most of the time. Terrified if my name suddenly being called out. Called out to lead. Terrified indeed! But people don't seem to notice that, they always thought that I'm making a joke when I said, 'I tak boleh, I takut'. I meant every word guys. 

This is what I know about me. I can sometimes (or most of the time) be bossy, but I hate being a boss. I love going to leadership camping and be around with people who are leaders, but I hate being in the spotlight, I don't want to be them.. just to be around them.. I'm not fond of the number 1 (one). Being the first sucks, winning a competition sucks because then I'll have to compete again, being called out first sucks because I don't know what to expect...people say they can't wait for their wedding day.. well, I don't. It's gonna be a nightmare for me. Everybody's gonna look at me. I'll be the centre of attention.. that sucks! If I were given a choice, my wedding is just for my family and his family.. no one else. just us. But of course, it's a wishful thinking of mine... 

I'm not sure whether I'm normal or not. Whether I'm pretending or not. Whether I really know myself or not. Whether I'm right or not. I don't know. I've read somewhere that if you pretend long enough, you'll end up being whatever it is that you pretend to be. I hope I'm not the person who is pretending but doesn't realize that she is pretending. 

Enough with that. Back to my endless work.