Sister's Guilt

There's nothing like a bond between siblings.

It's not a friendship, neither a partnership.

It's not a choice, it's a given. 

Whether one like it or not, the bond exists and never ends.

For some, it's a bond between 4 people, 6 people. Some are more, some are less.

For us, it's the latter. It's just me and him.

I was born first, made me the bigger sister. He then came 5 years after. 

It's unfortunate that I have bad memories. I don't recall the first decade we were together. 

But i do remember this. We only have each other. We fought over the 'rights' to use tv remote control, car seats.. but other than that, we were each other's comfort and shelter. 

The school years took away our times together. 

I was occupied with my 'life' and so was he.

These past years, as we are both now adults, we only met on festive seasons.

And when we finally have the time to talk, just us, it's always felt like the old times. 

In my eyes, he is my little brother. There's no one else in the world who shares the same joy of eating chocolates, shares the same favourite songs, shares the same appreciation for knowledge, shares the same fascinations of arts, shares the same visions of D-I-Ys stuff, no one but him. My little brother. 

But we are both the opposite of each other too. I'm stubborn, he is not. I'm short-tempered, he is not. I'm blunt and speaks harshly, he is not. 

I am nowhere near an exemplary person. I'm not proud of whom I was, and I am. 

Despite of that. I noticed that he looked up of me. He copied my 'signature' style, he copied things i do, he admired my choices. And just yesterday, he said, 'When i have my own place, i'll decorate it just like yours'. 

I wish to tell him. I dont deserve the attention. I'm not worthy to be copied. I haven't done anything that makes me worthy to be an exemplary person. 

I wish to tell him. He is doing so much better than me. He is someone I looked up to. He has become such a reliable, responsible and loving son, brother, husband and father. And I am soooo proud of him. 

I wish to tell him. I'm sorry for not able to live up as the better sister. 

I miss our conversations. I miss the times when it was just the two of us. 

I love you, always. 

Your kakak.